Thursday, July 9, 2009

It is my life

and I can live it destructively and I can live it constructively and anywhere inbetween, and I have. For a long time my opinion of myself has been: I am not right. As much as I do not want to--though sometimes (as the evidence shows) it seems I must want to, I too consistently have made poor choices. Had I had the vision, I would have lived both as I chose and as I did not choose. Have been a Brian and an anti-Brian. Examples: 1. As a writer I would have been both reclusive and highly visible. 2. As a purchaser of stocks, I would have traded aggressively and invested judiciously in growth stocks. 3. As a general consumer I would have allowed myself some excesses but would have found a residence I intended to remain in. 4. As a mind/body being I would not have favored my mind over my body. There's a current body story I am tempted to share but a voice within says: Don't. Share it with your doctors. As some of you know, my life here in Missouri is one of greater isolation than it was in Florida. This is not to say I can't make it less so, but I am more limited. Other blogger's write about books and journals they are purchasing or have received and about what they're reading out of their extensive libraries. I have a library, but little in it is contemporary, and presently my days are heavy with other concerns. Actually, I maybe shouldn't have a blog. Does it seem I'm confused? I am. However, it isn't just isolation, it's my lack of pertinent knowledge. It's my inability to keep up. So much of my time is spent visiting blogs and making my often difficult-to- compose comments. Besides, that I do not have a defined agenda to push as do certain bloggers in that I do not belong to a coterie and am not bound to a specific style makes me less interesting on the face of it. --- Am at the second chapter on Imagination and Fancy in Owen Barfield's What Coleridge Thought, and at the end of the first chapter Barfield presented the passage in which Coleridge defined the Primary and Secondary Imaginations. Barfield had stated Coleridge was at odds with most thinkers--oriented as they were toward scientific rationality--of his time. Thus, as I suspected, Coleridge assigned the Primary Imagination to the ". . . infinite I Am." This puts me in line with Coleridge. --- Events of late have been signalling to me I am in my last days. Yet there's no way of knowing. I could concentrate my weakened energies. Fanny Howe and Franz Wright? St. John of the Cross? The Age of Pisces is in its last days. Even so, it may be more than 300 years before the Age of Aquarius fully takes over, which some say St. Germain will rule. Others are expecting a new reign of Jesus and 1000 years of peace. Barring more miracles, I'm expecting to be dead. The Dow had a lackluster day. Read that President Obama said the government won't get into healthcare insuring unless Congress can figure out how to pay for it. GM is getting a second chance. They ought to help revitalize the railroads. For me tomorrow means another trip to my GP's office. Just remember: a good poem is one you like, even if you don't know why. rh00359


William Michaelian said...

So much about your life in this entry resonates with my own. I think it’s natural to be full of such contradictions. Personally, I value your insights as they appear here, in your other blogs, and in the various comments you scatter far and wide.

I love your closing comment. I might add, especially if you don’t know why.

Forgive the brevity and incompleteness of this comment. We are in the process of moving and my computer time is limited. But I do appreciate what you write, and I thank you for it.

brian (baj) salchert said...

I also appreciate what you write, which brings up a problem I've had at your blog of late: sometimes when I click on comments as I did earlier today, I am not allowed to access the comments box. I have no idea why this is. Have had this problem at Joseph's also. It might be my IE8 or--I don't know; it's just strange.

Hope your moving goes well and that where you are moving to meets your needs.

Thank you,

Stan Apps said...

Hi Brian,

I like your idea of being both your self and the opposite: embodying contradiction. It's very poignant, a figure for what's frustrating about personality. . .

I hope your doctor's visit goes well.

Joseph Hutchison said...

Brian, it's always refreshing and chastening to read you here and elsewhere around the Web. You remind me that we're all bubbling cauldrons of conflicted impulses, notions, challenges physical and emotional, struggling to stand on one foot with our eyes closed and touch a forefinger to our nose: looking for a sense that there's sense in it somewhere. You make sense to me, at least, and to several others I know. I'm grateful for that. Here's hoping the doc has good news for you!

brian (baj) salchert said...

Supposed to be stormy off-and-on for the next several days. Since my local sister was in route to get me, I unplugged this computer gizmo. Told her on the way toward Cox North that I'd decided not to stop at my doctor's--I have an appointment for next Friday to see a dermatologist and am in the process of finding out if my bone doctor could see me for my circulation problem--so she need only take me to the pharmacy to pick up my head medicine. Spoke with a pharmacist there and showed him my lower legs. It was a useful conversation.

My Brian and anti-Brian idea came out my lifelong battle with false pride. It would have been a telling counter. False pride is the topic of a number of my poems and quirky jibes at myself.

And cauldrons? Oh, yes. Reptile brain, mammaliam brain, new brain. Subconscious, conscious. Id, libido, ego, superego. Simply existing as a human requires negative capability.

William, Stan, Joseph:
Thank you